Just a few thoughts...

Ok, I know I have been really bad about keeping this blog going, but a good friend recently encouraged me to start it back up. Apparently my life is interesting, who knew! So here I am, I am back in the blog business, and hopefully I can keep this thing going.

Those of you who are close to me know that the last year has been a crazy, emotional year. Quick recap: got involved with a guy that I have known for a long time, he hurt me (DUH), got laid off from my job, had to move back in with my parents, and I went through a period of self hating! I would have to say that this last year was the worst year of my life. I felt really awful; I felt used and abused. I started to think bad things about myself like: no man will ever want me, I am ugly and fat, useless, can't take care of myself, I am no fun to be around blah blah blah. You get the picture.

I really didn't understand why I had to go through all of that. I kept looking at the people around me and they seemed to be having happy lives, well they were atleast all working! Don't get me wrong, at first the not working thing was pretty cool. I could do whatever I wanted and I had plenty of time to take care of personal matters, but soon the not having any money thing really took the life out of me. I was depressed to say the least, I wanted to die.

I made it through though (obviously). In August I landed a job with a CPA firm in Manahattan and I am back to work! I am so glad to be working again, I feel productive. Believe it or not though, landing a job was only the begininng of my road to happiness. I was still totally bummed about my relationship status and overall status in life. I have been putting so much importance on "being in a relationship" that I tried to force one with a guy that I didn't really like. Sure he was good looking, but aside from looks, there was nothing there. I felt like he was my only shot at love though, he was the only person that seemed to express any interest, so I gave it a shot. Things went well for about a month and then they went down hill pretty quickly. Sparing you all the details, he moved away and I was heart broken. Apparently he didnt really want a relationship with me, I am not sure what he wanted, but what I leanred was that there were no emotional or mental connections between the two of us. Well we are still friends, but the lesson there was that I shouldn't have tried to force something that was not meant to be, so I only had myself to blame for that heart ache.

That leads me to the present. Like I said, I still had a lot of struggles to get through. Even though I came to grips with that heart ache, it didn't make my self image any better. I still thought that he was the only guy that would ever want me, so now I was really depressed becuase I felt like there was no one out there for me. I was thinking all the wrong things, I had no self worth!!!!!

So what changed me? Well step one, I got a job. The job did help. It created an outlet for me. I was no longer sitting and moping around the house all day. It got my mind off of the negatives and instead on work. However, when I had free time (which was hadly ever) I was still depressed. So I did what I always do when things are sour for me, I bought a book. This time though, instead of buying my typical fiction, I bought a book to help me with my self esteem. The book is Size Sexy by Stella Ellis.

Now here is the thing, I dont actually have low self esteem in the traditional sense. I know that I look good, I have always known this, I struggle more with how others perceive me. I know that I am an extrordinarily beautiful girl. I know this just by looking in the mirror, but strangers have also helped me see this. But the thing with me is that, 2 million people could tell me that I am beautiful but until I hear it from that special guy (you know that one you have been crushing on for years) I wont really believe it. But after reading this book, I woke up. Now the book is suppossed to help you like yourself and feel good about your body. Well these were traits that I already had, so improving my self esteem was really easy... I just had to start beleiving that others saw what I see when I look in the mirror.

Today I feel great about myself. I no longer sit and think that I will never be loved and accepted by a man because the truth is, if I allow it to happen it will happen. Now that I know the truth about myself, it is easy to be happy and project strong self confidence. I have already seen tremendous results. Basically, I can have my pick of any guy out there, but I am not ready just yet. I am still getting to know the new me, I am still pampering and showering myself which means I dont have time yet for a man to be in my life. When I am done being selfish and ready to find him, I will grab him, til then, I am just enjoying life!

I guess the reason I am sharing all this with you is for starters, Ijust wanted to get this off my mind. Mostly though, because I have not been myelf over the last year. Ihave been so down and out and all around just depressing to be around. I wanted to let those of you who stuck by me and really do care for me know that I am gettign better. I really do feel great, and allthough i still haev soem work to do, I have almost restored myself fully!!!! I also wanted to say thank you. I have some really awesome friends who really stuck by my side and helped me this last year, and honestly, I owe them my life! Love you all tremendously, I won't name any names because they know who they are! Thanks again guys! I AM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!